Friendship: Closeness
By: Ross Jelgerhuis
This is part 2 of 5 in the blog series “The 4 C’s of Biblical Friendship.” Each post reiterates the different sections of Ross’ talks on friendship given at the RPC Men’s Retreat earlier this spring. Thus, if at any point the grammar seems clunky, it’s because this was originally written to be presented orally.. The 5 posts will include first an introduction, and then one post for each of the 4 C’s of Biblical Friendship.
Find the ‘Introduction’ post here
Closeness
Prov 18:24 reads: A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Family was everything in the Ancient Near East culture that this was written in. It was much more of a family-oriented culture than ours today. Thus, saying a friend can be better than a sibling would have been very jarring for the average reader in that day. Why would that be? What is better about a friend than a sibling? One way to think about it is that while family will typically be there for you in tough times (ie – Proverbs states “a brother is born for adversity”), the big difference is that they may not like you, they might not be people who want to be there for you. However, a friend chooses you, they want to be in close relationship with you. This passage shows that friendship can bring something in your life that family cant, or even marriage cant.
We need to remember this because almost every culture will be putting friendship on the back seat to romantic love. CS Lewis has commented on this reality, he says friendship isn’t a biological or sociological necessity. It is the only one of his “4 Loves” that is absolutely deliberate. It is the least instinctive. The other 3 loves are necessary for survival. All the other loves will push themselves on us.
The implication of the proverb then is that we should forge such friendships. There are several biblical examples of close relationships like this. There is David and Jonathan, David and his mighty men, Jesus and the 12, and especially Jesus and the 3 (Peter, James, John).
Thus, Proverbs shows us the importance of having closeness in our friendships, it goes so far as to say that we will perish for lack of friends, or at least having the wrong kind of friends. And this wisdom is for those who are either married or not. Obviously for those not married, but its also important for those who are married. Spouse’s are not designed to be everything for each other, we need other relationships to share the burden of life with us.
As we start thinking about the closeness of our friendships, we start to realize that there are varying levels of closeness. There are:
Hobby friendships – these based on the shared pursuit of pleasure, whether it be a common delight in a sport or topic of interest
Work friendships – for example, when business partners work together toward a common goal
Drinking buddies– they know your hopes, dreams, fears, but these friends are still not as interested in your growth. They may take a bullet for you, but they aren’t willing to challenge you to be better.
And finally there is Spiritual friendship. One author mentions that there is a difference between having a friend who is a Christian, and a Christian friendship. What does he mean by this? Having friends who are Christians could reach any 4 of these levels, however, the term ‘Christian Friendship’ implies a shared commitment to growing together. Hebrews 10:24-25 gets at this when it says - 24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
Looking back at Proverbs 18:24, you see it is not a contrast between two equal groups of people. Acquaintances you can have many, but close friends are different. Its the idea that true friends aren’t that many, they can be relatively rare. Prov 27:9 give a clue on why, it says, “the pleasantness of ones friend is his earnest counsel.” The word ‘pleasantness’ refers to ‘sweetness’ – like the sweetness of honey. So it is saying friendship is like sweet food. In that day they didn’t have sweetener, so they had to discover sweet food, and there wasn’t much of it. Close friendship is similar, it is rare.
Friendship requires a foundation, an affinity that cant be created but must be discovered. CS Lewis has famously said that friendship starts with the question “You too? I thought I was the only one!” What makes a friend is not the question: “Oh you want to be my friend?” Lewis elaborates saying “This is why those pathetic people who simply want friends can never make any, the very condition for having friends is that you would want something else besides friends.” So it has to be something you discover before you can forge it. But once its discovered, it has to be forged.
And since our chief aim as believers is to glorify & enjoy God, this means that our highest good is to know the Lord, and that Jesus would be Lord of our whole lives – including relationships. It then stands to reason that the primary criterion for choosing a friend should be whether the relationship, overall, brings us closer to the Lord. This of course doesn’t mean all you do is read scripture when you get together. Rather, after you’ve spent time together, your view of God is bigger and more joy filled, and you find yourself motivated to know God better. Of course in such a friendship there will naturally be conversation about spiritual things, as well as open accountability about struggles with sin; but even after light-hearted times together like watching a game, hiking, or playing a game, and when nothing of great depth is discussed, you find your heart filled w gratitude to God for the friendship.
Challenges to Closeness
So if closeness is a key aspect to biblical friendship, what are some of the main challenges to building closeness in a friendship? One is the fear of intimacy. Some of us have never experienced real closeness in relationships and thus don’t know much of how to. Or some of us have had closeness but it has maybe left a scar, it brought pain of some sort and there is fear to go there again. There can also be the fear of loss. You don’t want to get too close and then experience loss if the person moves away or gets too busy. In our culture of increased mobility and transience this is becoming more of a phenomenon. An obvious further challenge is busyness. One of the main ingredients to building close friendship is time, something many of us don’t have much of these days. Another growing barrier to close friendship is technological substitutes. We subconsciously look to TV shows, podcasts, or social media to scratch our relational itch. There may also be some who avoid closeness out of fear of not wanting to appear cliquey. They want to be inclusive and not exclude anyone (more on this in the next paragraph). Finally, shame can keep us from pursuing closeness. We fear rejection; the possibility of pursuing closeness with someone but they don’t reciprocate.
Dangers of Closeness
One danger, as previously mentioned, is cliques. We need to have wisdom on the time we spend with close friends. We need to know the times when its good to stick with your friend, and the times when its good to leave room for others. One example is when you are at church, this is probably not a good space to reserve just for talking to your friend(s) but to leave space for talking with others. Jesus modeled this dynamic well. He related to many in a crowd and usually reserved his closer interactions w his disciples to private moments.
Another danger of closeness is idolatry. We are all vulnerable to idolizing friends or friendship. This can, for example, cause us to rush into friendships. This is why Proverbs talks about selectivity in friendships. Prov 22:24-25 states “24 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man,25 lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” And Proverbs 13:20 agrees “20 Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” We can also use friendship to feed other idols. One could be our ego, having friendships that help us feel better about ourselves. Proverbs 20 speaks to this, it warns us not to associate with one who flatters with his lips. God didn’t design friendship for selfish gratification. We are going to find ourselves dissatisfied with any relationship in which we are seeking to get more than we are seeking to give. Another could be the idol of money, befriending someone for the benefits they can give. Proverbs 19 anticipates this “wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friends”. This verse is simply showing the shallowness of friendship outside of the covenant community. Again, they are based on what one can gain in the relationship rather than what can give. Finally, there is the idol of pleasure. Proverbs 23:20-21 says “Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eaters of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags.” We need to ask as Gods children, how much does this or that friendship cause me to stumble? On the one hand Jesus was a “friend of sinners and drunkards.” But he related to them in a redemptive way, not in a worldly way. It was not his closest friendships.
A final danger is jealousy, being jealous of someone’s closeness to another person and not you. I have struggled with this at times in my life. I believe Proverbs speaks to this as well, Proverbs 25:17 states “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbors house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.” The main lesson in this verse is that we need to have awareness in relationships of the persons needs and boundaries. Maybe they are not answering our calls because they cant get us off the phone, or maybe they are not inviting us over as much because a breakfast turns into half-day affair. However, the wisdom of this passage can also be applied to the jealousy we can sometimes face in our friendships. A possessive spirit can hinder us from being a good friend. We are not to treat our friendships as personal possessions. If we find ourselves jealous of the time a friend spends with others, or distressed when s/he reveals confidences to someone besides us, we aren’t acting with his/her best interests in mind. It is not only okay but also good for people to have more than one close friend.
Cultivating Closeness
Now that we’ve established the importance of closeness and some of the hindrances and dangers, lets talk practically about how to forge close friendships.
For those who currently do not have close friends, the first and best advice I can give is to pray. Reach out to the God who promises not to withhold anything good from you (Ps 84:11) and ask him to provide you a friend. I have seen God do this time and again in my own life and countless others’ lives. I would also encourage someone in this situation to be patient, to let friendship develop organically – don’t force it just because you want a friend. As CS Lewis counsels, “discover” a friend while living out your faith in ordinary life (Matt 6:33). Furthermore, and this goes with patience, be selective. As aforementioned, Proverbs is replete with warnings against destructive relationships and friendships, look for someone who will draw you closer, not further in relationship to Christ. Finally, be intentional. Find creative and fun activities to engage in and invite someone to join you – friendships are easily forged while doing something together.
For those who do have meaningful friendships but know they could go deeper, there are also some ideas for you as well. First, prioritize the friendship. Give it more emphasis and time in your life. For me, this looked like several years ago deciding to call one of my closest friends once a week. We have now done this fairly consistently for years and it has brought an encouraging depth to our relationship. We usually speak just 10-20 minutes but can go deep quickly because of the rapport we’ve developed. Another suggestion is to start assessing the safety of the relationship by slowly becoming more vulnerable with the person. If it is clear that your friend is able to keep confidence, show empathy, love you unconditionally, and reciprocate the vulnerability then continue practicing more and more openness. If we want our friendships to help us grow, then we need to be able to be open and honest about our shortcomings and sins so we can begin growing beyond them. Along similar lines, start speaking more truth in your friendship if you haven’t much yet. Where you might have usually let something slide past you before (feeling like it wasn’t your role to challenge), start slowly challenging your friend with love at times and see how that goes (this is called ‘Careful Candor,’ the 3rd “C” - more on this later). Fourth, be interested in them. It sounds simple but its actually not, its very easy to be interested in ourselves and our little world. Be interested, not just in their activities and hobbies, but in their hearts. What they’re thinking and feeling in their lives. Deepen your conversations with them. Ask things like: How is your Christian life going at the moment? What’s been encouraging in your life? What’s been challenging? How can I pray for you? How are you really doing? And finally, in this is more a summary than anything, be a good friend. As Kevin DeYoung says, the best friends usually have the best friends. While its not a silver bullet, it is usually the case that the more we care for someone the more they will care for us, etc etc.
So that is closeness, the first “C” of biblical friendship. Stay tuned for the other “C’s” in the coming weeks.