Friendship: Constancy
By: Ross Jelgerhuis
This is part 3 of 5 in the blog series “The 4 C’s of Biblical Friendship.” Each post reiterates the different sections of Ross’ talks on friendship given at the RPC Mens Retreat earlier this spring. Thus, if at any point the grammar seems clunky, its because this was originally written to be presented orally. The 5 posts will include first an introduction, and then one post for each of the 4 C’s of Biblical Friendship.
Find part 1 ‘Introduction’ here
Find part 2 ‘Closeness’ here
Constancy
Prov 17:17 reads “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” In the original Hebrew, the phrase “at all times” is positioned at the beginning, emphasizing its centrality and importance in friendship. So what exactly is meant by “at all times” then? Does it mean you are together all the time? That you should try to be with them whenever you can? No, what it is referring to is all kinds of times. In the good and the bad. Thus, while it doesn’t mean you are together all the time, it still implies availability and presence. Being there even when things are hard or inconvenient. Its saying “I’ll be there even when it costs me.” Proverbs 18:24 expands on this by saying “a friend will not let you go to ruin.”
If you think about it most people know you or want to know you because you are useful to them, and we do the same for others. People can be useful in many ways: useful for having a good time, for meeting other people, for getting things done. Usually these are called companions or associates. These are people who only know you because you are useful, when things are hard for you, they say “call me if you need anything.” But a friend is there. A friend has deliberately made you not a means to an end but an end in yourself. Again, a friend says “I’ll be there even when it costs me something.” Proverbs 27:10 also speaks to this “10 Do not forsake your friend and your father's friend, and do not go to your brother's house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.” Thus, one important feature of biblical friendships is they need to be maintained, and this is not always easy.
Challenges to Constancy
There are many challenges to constancy in friendship. One obvious challenge is busyness. As one person has said, “The desire for friendship comes easy. Friendship does not.” Friendships are forged with quantity of time as much as quality of time, and quantity of time seems more and more elusive. Proverbs also adds gossip to the list of barriers to constancy, “28 A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends” (Prov 16:28). In our pride, we may have an opportunity outside our friendship to boost our reputation by putting our friend down in some gossiping way, this has harmed countless relationships.
Another significant challenge is friendship at the extremes, how to be there in the significant joys and deep sorrows. The Bible calls us to rejoice with those who rejoice, but what about when our friend gets the thing we’ve always been wanting (a spouse, a child, a child with a certain gift, an adult child walking with the Lord, grandchildren, grandchildren walking with the Lord, etc)? As you can see, envy can easily get in the way of constancy. Instead of celebrating with our friend, which would mean so much to them, we let our pride drive a wedge in our relationship. I have personally been blessed by a friend of mine who is good at this. Him and his wife have dealt with infertility for years, yet he celebrates my kids in a way that I know is costly to him, which of course has meant so much in our friendship. The other extreme of course is pain, weeping with those who weep. We can struggle to move towards our friends when life is challenging for them, we don’t know what to say or how to enter in. Another side of this is maintaining friendship through conflict. Let’s face it, most of us are not good at conflict for a variety of reasons. Proverbs speaks specifically to this as well in 17:9, “ Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” Paul Tripp has some pointed words on this, he says “This will sound harsh, but I think many Christians quit on their friends. We promise to persevere through difficulty, but when we face discouraging and hurtful moments, we tell ourselves that the relationship is over or was never what we thought it was in the first place, and we are on our way out. You cannot read the Bible’s origin-to-destiny story of redemption and not be deeply impressed with God’s patience and perseverance. God never gives up. He will not quit until everything that has been broken is restored.”
Building Constancy
That is a great segue to building constancy. How do we grow in friendship constancy? We need to start with Jesus. To paraphrase what Tripp just said, we love because he first loved us. Our loyalty in friendship is empowered and inspired when we realize the loyalty God has towards us. More on this in the 4th “C.” We also need the humility to ask: Am I a loyal friend? Am I a safe friend? Am I someone my friend would think to turn to in hard or exuberant times? If not, what are some reasons why not? How can we grow in this? Maybe learning how to listen well is a good place to start. Proverbs 18:13 says “he who answers before listening, that is his folly and shame.” Sometimes our friends are not looking to us for any advice, they only want someone to listen. Proverbs 15:28 puts it even more starkly, “the heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.” In our pride, however, we go straight to advice because it is either a quick way out of the pain or gives us a sense of accomplishment. With pride clearly being a common theme here, it seems Phil 2:5-8 would be a solid foundational passage to build our friendships on (again, more on this in the 4th “C”):
“5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”
Frodo and Sam
One of the overarching themes in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy is friendship. While there are many ways that theme plays out in the story, it is the friendship of Frodo and Sam that certainly takes center stage. One of the elements of their friendship that is very well illustrated throughout is constancy, especially Samwise’s loyalty to Frodo. One of their interchanges pictures this well:
[Frodo] “Its going to be very dangerous Sam. It is already dangerous. Most likely neither of us will come back.”
[Sam] “‘If you don’t come back sir, then I shant, that’s certain,’ said Sam, ‘don’t you leave him’ they said to me. ‘Leave him?’ I said. ‘I never mean to. I am going with him, if he climbs to the moon, and if any of those black riders try to stop him, they’ll have sam gamgee to reckon with,’ I said.”
A further example is when Frodo tries to escape on his own near the end of book 1. At this moment Samwise forces himself on Frodo, does not take no for an answer. As the rest of the story unfolds, Sam’s constancy towards Frodo in that scene becomes abundantly significant as Frodo would not have made it on his own.
So that is a brief introduction to the biblical idea of constancy in friendship. Next week we will discuss the 3rd “C” – Careful Candor.