The 4 C’s of Biblical Friendship: Introduction
By: Ross Jelgerhuis
For the next 5 weeks, Pastor Ross will be blogging about Christian friendship. Each post reiterates the different sections of the talks he gave at the RPC Men’s Retreat earlier this spring. Thus, if at any point the grammar seems clunky it’s because this was originally written to be presented orally. The 5 posts will be first an introduction, and then one post for each of the C’s of Biblical Friendship.
We talk a lot about relationships in the church. There are scores of seminars, retreats, and conferences on marriage. There are video series’ and books for newlyweds and engaged couples. Most every church offers marital counseling and most every pastor preaches somewhat regularly on marriage. The same goes for parenting, there are dozens of Christian books on raising children. Sunday School classes, blog sites, and ministries focus on the parenting relationship. We also spend lots of time talking about building and maintaining community in the church, how to do life together as a spiritual family. Let me first say that this is all very good – these are all incredibly important aspects of our faith that need careful attention. Nevertheless, have you ever noticed that we seldom study friendship in the church? I’ve heard someone say it is the most important-least talked about relationship in the church.
Our society doesn’t discuss it as much either. Gossip columns in the media focus much more on who is dating or sleeping with whom than friends with whom. And think about the music industry. If I asked you to name a song about romantic love it wouldn’t be hard. But how many songs about friendship come immediately to mind?
Think about your greatest joys in life, you may not realize it but many of them most likely center around your friends. The fun times hanging out, the great conversations, the laughter, the sharing, the pleasure of “clicking” with someone else or a group of people.
And now think of the most painful times in life like sickness and tragedy. Oftentimes these difficulties are made sweeter by the support of friends. However, when friendship goes bad – when things get awkward or you feel like you are on the outside looking in – no amount of health and prosperity can fill the gap. Kevin DeYoung has said almost anything bad can be wonderful with friends, and almost anything good can be terrible without them.
Depending on how you define it, the Bible may have more to say about the friend relationship than it does about marriage and parenting. It speaks both to the beauty of friendship as well as how painful it can be. Human friendships can be a wonderful gift from God, but they are far from perfect in a fallen world. Consider the biblical spectrum on friendship:
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17)
“Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me” (Psalm 41:9)
“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24, NIV)
“My relatives have failed me, my close friends have forgotten me.” (Job 19:14)
While friendships are indeed worthy, it can seem burdensome to discuss them. It can feel like one more thing to add to the list.
It’s hard to do friendship.
It’s Impossible to have the emotional energy and time to
Stay diligent at work
Care for your family well
Stay connected to your spouse
Attend children’s activities,
Keep the house up
Try to get to the gym
AND maintain deep friendships.
Further, deep friendships don’t seem as important when compared to our urgent responsibilities in life
Social media hasn’t helped much either as it can cause us to remain closer to the surface and not pursue stronger relationships in person
And finally, we as men can have unique struggles with friendship.
This past year through covid has been a great reminder of the importance of having strong in-person friendships, and was part of the inspiration for speaking on friendship this retreat as we think about reconnecting with people post-pandemic.
Thankfully, while the Bible doesn’t sugar coat friendship, it also doesn’t leave us without help on this important subject.
The book of Proverbs could possibly be called a treatise on friendship. There is no book, even in classic literature, which so exalts the idea of friendship and is so anxious to have it truly valued and carefully kept as Proverbs. Proverbs argues that you are not going to be a wise person and you are not going to make it well it in life without forging, cultivating, and maintaining dynamic friendships.
There are several important teachings that Proverbs covers on friendship, I call these the 4 C’s of Biblical Friendship. Biblical friendship involves 1) Closeness, 2) Constancy, 3) Careful Candor, and 4) Christ-centeredness (Obviously the 4th “C” isn’t really from Proverbs specifically, but you get the point).
Stay tuned over the next several weeks as we cover each of the 4 C’s in turn…
Other resources consulted for this series:
1. True Friendship by Vaughan Roberts
2. The Dudes Guide to Manhood by Darrin Patrick
3. The Gift of Friendship by Kevin DeYoung
4. Friendship by Tim Keller
5. On the Shoulders of Hobbits by Louis Markos
6. Irresistible Faith by Scott Sauls